Everyone comes to you. Nobody asks you.
The strong friend
There is a specific loneliness in being the capable one. You become the person everybody brings things to, and somewhere in that process you stop being someone people worry about.
It is rarely anyone's fault. Competence is reassuring. If you always cope, people believe you are coping, and they take the reassurance because it is easier than the alternative.
The cost shows up in small ways. Saying you are fine so often that the word empties out. Telling a therapist you are fine and having her point out that this was the most concerning thing you said all month. Holding it together all day and coming apart when the dog puts his head on your lap, because the dog did not ask you to be alright first.
The thing that helps, in almost every account, is not a grand intervention. It is one person asking properly and then waiting through the pause for the real answer.
What people said
Someone asked how I really was. And waited for the real answer.
tender
I told someone the real version. Not the tidy version. And they just said 'I know.'
tender
She said 'you don't have to be strong with me' and I broke. In the good way.
tender
I said I was fine so many times today that the word stopped meaning anything.
ache
I'm the friend everyone comes to for advice. Nobody asks how I am.
ache
Sometimes the bravest thing is asking for help. I asked today.
tender
I told my friend the real version. Not the tidy version. And she just said 'I know.'
tender
I told my therapist I was fine. She said that was the most concerning thing I've said all month.
ache
I held it together all day. Then the dog put his head on my lap and I fell apart.
ache
I can't explain it. I just need someone to sit with me and not try to fix it.
ache
If you are the strong friend, you are allowed to be the one who needs something. That does not cost you the role.
You can put something down here without giving your name.
Write it down