Managing someone else's mood as a full time job.
Walking on eggshells
Walking on eggshells is one of those phrases that gets used so casually it stops meaning anything. What it actually describes is a state of constant low level threat assessment. You are reading a room that never stops needing to be read.
People who have lived like this tend to describe the same after effects. Rehearsing conversations before having them. Apologising automatically. Flinching at raised voices even when the person raising them is just excited about football.
The part nobody warns you about is that it does not switch off when the relationship ends. The habits were useful once. They kept things calm. Your nervous system does not know the danger has passed just because the address has changed.
That is not weakness and it is not you being stuck. It is a skill you learned under pressure, still running long after you needed it.
What people said
I stopped explaining myself to people who weren't listening.
still
I said I was fine so many times today that the word stopped meaning anything.
ache
I keep replaying the conversation. Changing my answers. It doesn't change anything.
ache
I miss being touched without flinching. I miss trust being the default.
longing
The thing about being gaslit for years is you stop trusting your own memory. Even now.
ache
I kept the house clean because if everything looked perfect on the outside maybe nobody would look any deeper.
ache
Sometimes the weight of pretending to be okay is heavier than the thing I'm pretending about.
ache
I rehearse conversations with people who will never have them with me.
ache
I held it together all day. Then the dog put his head on my lap and I fell apart.
ache
I miss the person I was before I learned to walk on eggshells.
ache
Sometimes I pretend I’m fine so convincingly that I forget I’m pretending.
still
I caught myself rehearsing an argument in the shower with someone who’ll never apologise.
ache
I still flinch when someone raises their voice. Even if they're just excited.
ache
If you are years out and still doing these things, you are not failing at recovery. You are noticing the shape of what you survived.
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